Poetry by Elle preston



One last laugh (2019)


My face

Smiled

Laughed

Frowned

Wrinkled

At all the right moments

As if

Following a script


I did not feel

Anything anymore

Except Nothing


Sometimes, whilst wondering

If I could ever feel again,

I imagined

All the ways

I could escape this prison


I did my best

To convince myself

That it was right

That what I knew to be true

Was a lie


I was unprepared

When my mind

Spilled out

All the times

You made me feel

Out of control

Alone

Unheard

Tangled up with

All the times

You made me laugh

Until my stomach hurt

When you cradled me

As I cried


How could I leave

I knew nothing else

But I realised

Slowly

If I stayed

I was choosing to live a life

Empty

Or choosing

To die

I knew I had to go

But, please

Couldn’t I just have

One last

Laugh with you

Photography by Jasmine Hepherd

Tomorrow (2019)


Your hand slithers onto my chest

It tightens

Please,

Not tonight

I lay there lifeless

My body unchanged by your touch


I feel your hot breath on my neck

Your hard crotch rubbing against my thigh

Eager

Hand sliding down towards my stomach


Instinctively

My hands jerk to grab yours

No further, please

But they squirm their way back

Onto my breasts


I gaze into your eyes

Searching for recognition


I’m tired,

I say,

I don’t feel like it


Your movements

Do not slow

In fact

They quicken

And your hands continue

To snake over my body


Just relax,

You say,

Your wet tongue crawling over my nipples,

Let me help you


I am floating

Away from my body

I do not feel

But my nipples harden

Traitors.


Again, my hands push yours away

And again

I attempt to say

Sorry,

Not now, I can’t

But I am meek

And my words seem to be

Lost on you


You continue to touch

This body that is no longer mine

Tongue stabbing

Fingers intruding

I feel nothing


You look up at me

With hungry eyes

Searching for validation

I attempt a smile

And you are satisfied


Rage builds inside my chest

How dare you

Ask for my validation

When

This is

Not

What I asked for

I don’t want it


Jolted back into my body

My hands desperately scramble

Urging you away


At first

You resist

And then

You sigh

Your eyes turn cold


You turn your back

I call out your name

Panicked

Guilty

Shamed


My arms gently reach

Around your waist

I’m sorry,

I say,

But you simply

Slide away


I continue to cry out your name

Please,

Can we just talk

But I am greeted

With an icy silence


Eventually, unheard,

I surrender


Naked and alone

I tremble

And wonder

What is wrong with me

Why can’t I

Let you in

What can I do

To feel your love again


Tears fall

Silently

Not daring to make a sound

I do not deserve

Any sympathy

I cannot let you know

I have already

Done enough


I will my tears to stop

I will my eyes to shut

I will to be swallowed

Up by sleep

If I will enough

Maybe I will forget

And maybe

Tomorrow will be different



Poetry by Elle Preston

Follow Elle on instagram @wordsbyellepreston

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©BRENDA Magazine Ltd, 2019

FLORAL ARTWORK: nicoleta papaxenophontos. BRENDA LOGO: GRACE HANDS

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