A LETTER TO MY FIRST LOVE #1

You’re the only person who felt like home to me. Sometimes it feels like you were the only person who ever truly knew me. The real me. The real me without any facade or any role. Just me. In all my flaws. In everything. We could just be together and be completely ourselves and nothing else mattered in the entire world more than just being together.


I fucking loved you more than anything ever. But I’m a free spirit, and we could never last. I had to discover things about myself. I had to take a journey, and so did you. But it doesn’t mean I don’t think about the love we had, and how magical it was. I know you’ve been with someone now for far longer than us. Do you remember how we felt? How you felt? Or is it just a distant memory now- a strange part of life?


When we met up it felt like you were a different person. And I know in some ways you are, but I felt like I knew the real you, the core of you. And I know you’re still that person. I guess I just hope you are still that person. I think I just long to hear you tell me how special it all was, so that I’m not alone in it, so it doesn’t all feel like a dream I conjured up.


I’m not pining after anything. I know you love someone else now.

But what the fuck happened?

And I guess I sometimes wonder, why did you choose her over me?

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©BRENDA Magazine Ltd, 2019

FLORAL ARTWORK: nicoleta papaxenophontos. BRENDA LOGO: GRACE HANDS

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